There it is again, that funny feeling...

 So. Here I am, back in the saddle. I don't know what pushed me to start posting here again, but I do know what pushed me back into the darkest recesses of my mind: pain. I have been in so much pain lately. For once it's not just the occasional anguish of looking at my body and wishing I had never "recovered." This pain is different...worse. I won't get into details but the sole reason I stopped starving was a person and I almost lost him. At that moment it felt like everything in my life was crashing down around me, like I had lost my grip on reality, on my surroundings, on everything. I lost control, and that was...unacceptable. 

And so, once again, I am here. Fatter than I've ever been, more exhausted than I ever knew I could be, and completely fucked in the head for thinking I could do this again. I'm starting to wonder if there's something seriously wrong with me. At least there's the sick solace of knowing that, now that I don't live with my family, it'll be a bit easier to go without. 

This is one of the few things in life I feel I can control. I need to get it together. I need to step up and get a fucking grip. I'm a grown ass adult now so I think I can pull this off in a way that's a tiny bit healthier (delusional as I may be). I'm on that 4 Weeks to Skinny diet I posted about a few years ago, how nostalgic. After I'm done with that and hopefully away from the current horrific number on the scale, I plan to do about 1000 calories per day, no vegetables or fruit counted, 10k steps per day(part of which will include a dedicated hour of walking), yoga at least once per day, and a consistent weight lifting regiment at the gym 3x a week. After reading through some of the old posts on here I know that the idea of 1000 calories per day would sound terrifying to the girl I was back then. That's the idea of "a tiny bit healthier," y'know? 

There's a perverse sort of comfort in falling back into this. It feels like I have a plan, but more like I'm coming back home after a long trip. Logically I understand how sincerely mentally ill that statement is, but when he said "we're both kind of out of shape," it hurt more than starving ever did. I have to make it work this time. I have to. 

I'll drop my stats again, for posterity and for the nostalgia of the old ED tumblr format.

CW: 182.4 lbs (JFC)

HW: 192 lbs (AHHHHHHH)

LW: 127.8 lbs (don't I wish)

GW1: 170 lbs

GW2: 150 lbs (ah, the old HW, how I miss you now..)

GW3: 130 lbs

UGW: 120 lbs

UUGW: 115 lbs or less

To what base uses we may return, Horatio!

Clearly I've been reading Hamlet.

Anyway, it's been quite a while. As I'm sitting here with a face mask on and a cold towel wrapped around my head, reading about the weight loss benefits of ice baths/showers and desperately clinging to my thinspo folder for support while I start a new fast, I have to wonder how I ended up this way. I swear I used to be normal. I used to run around not caring about what I ate or how I looked. I chided the world on being superficial and insisted that my fat was mine to care about or not (and I didn't care, at all). I think back on that now and could swear that wasn't me. That's a different person. My life has changed so drastically since then, my brain has become so warped.

Even now, there are moments where I'll think: "That's it, I'm done. I have an eating disorder. I can tell. I know enough about these to know they're bad news. Hell, I wrote a ten page research paper about the dangers of eating disorders before this all started! I need to get help and recover." Then I'll binge (which is really just eating normally) for a while.

And then the moment passes and the world comes crashing down around me again.

I'm dragged right back to square one and I feel worse than I did when I started.

I wonder what it's like not to care how you look, what you eat, how much you weigh. I can't remember that life anymore. It's such a distant memory. I feel sad for that little girl who didn't know what was coming to her.

It's funny, that research paper I mentioned? It was focused on how pro-ana/mia blogs are harmful to both people with EDs and people who don't yet have one. Ironic, huh? Seriously, though, if you're reading this and don't have an ED, please don't listen to anything I've said or will say. I am sick. 
If you do have an ED, please get help. I'm not your mom, I can't make you do anything and I'll only ever be here to support and love you. But if you want help, recovery is possible and it's the best thing you can do for yourself.

It seems wrong to add a picture this time around, so I won't.

Best of luck, darling

- Zoe

20 !!!!!!!

I'VE OFFICIALLY LOST 20 LBS.

I'm so excited. When I got on the scale and saw the number, I had to step off and weigh myself again. There was an audible gasp and I nearly cried.

I am currently 133 lbs. (which feels gross but it's a milestone nonetheless!)

Other than the short high of losing weight, though, this weekend has been kinda shitty. My sister had a birthday party on Saturday and I've spent the whole weekend binging like a monster. I'm doing an all vegetable day tomorrow and working out twice as hard to try and make up for it.

In other news, I've been using my tumblr acc a lot more lately while hunting for thinspo. It's such a great website, I get some really good pictures and tips from there.

Well, now that I've passed my first GW, I'm on to the next one. Wish me luck <3

Words to live by

Best of luck, darling

- Zoe

...

I find myself needing this blog more and more. I guess that is why I made it, so it's at least serving its purpose.

I gained 2 pounds and I feel like garbage. I might actually cry.

Instead of crying, though, I'm gonna go harder. I can't keep going on like this, yo-yoing the way I am. Down is the only way to go.

I've devised a new system to keep myself from eating as much. I am only allowed to have 10 bites of whatever I'm eating. 5 "meals" a day, once my 10 bites are up, the meal is over. I still have to figure out how to fit more workouts into my already tight schedule, especially now, in the worst quarter of the year. Third term is always sucky and my grades are beginning to show it. I've got mostly Bs right now and I can't let that happen.

Anyway, I've been flooding myself with thinspo and reverse thinspo to try and balance out my diet. I think it's working. I'm on the last day of the diet I was on a few posts ago and I plan on starting it over again for another 4 weeks. More rigorous this time. I can't cut myself any slack, I'm too prone to losing control. I need to keep things in check.

I'll post a few more pictures than usual, more for myself than for anyone who might stumble upon this by some sick accident. Hope it helps either way.

This last one seems bad but it actually helps a lot.

Best of luck, darling

- Zoe

Fuck

I totally binged again. I'm on the last stretch of my diet and I fucking binged. Yknow, it seems like I really only post when I binge. I'll have to work on that.

I ate pizza like a gross fatty and I feel so guilty now. Doesn't help that my brother made me feel even worse about it.

"Haven't you had enough?"

Fuck that stings. I hate him sometimes.

In other news, an old friend contacted me for the first time in a few years. I'm glad he called, it was so nice to talk to him again. Some things are okay.

I don't remember how heavy I was last I wrote but I'm at 137.4 lbs. now. It sucks because I swear that aside from the binge today I've been so good. I'm plateauing for no reason. It's like my stupid body hates me or something.

I guess I'll just have to keep going.

Should keep this in mind next time.

That's all from me for now.

Best of luck, darling

- Zoe

Haha I'm so depressed :)

I know I haven't been on in a while (not that anybody gives a shit). It's a little refreshing to be writing here instead of sobbing like I have been for the past hour or so. Wow, it's actually been an hour? Shit.

Anyway, as a quick update, I'm down to 139 lbs. but I honestly doubt it'll keep getting lower if I continue to let myself binge like this. I've been so depressed lately and today I caved and ate McDonald's fries. I know, ew. I thought that too, right after I was done vacuuming them into my face. I feel so disgusting, and on top of everything I've been dealing with now Ana is yelling at me.

I took a test online to see why the fuck I'm so sad and it pretty much just confirmed some shit I already knew. Here are the results:

Major Depression: High
Dysthymia: Moderate
Bipolar Disorder: Extremely High
Cyclothymia: Very High
Seasonal Affective Disorder: High-Moderate
Postpartum Depression: N/A

So yeah, there's that. By the way, I do have a therapist that can back all this up.

In other news, I'm 18 now, not that anyone cares. Nothing has really changed except my weight (thanks Ana <3). I'm currently on a new diet that's a little more severe than my last one. My mom's being really ridiculous, making me show her my lunch every day before I go to school and constantly grilling me about whether or not I've eaten. It's becoming super annoying.

Well, that's all for right now. I'll leave the diet I'm using for posterity or inspiration, or both.

Best of luck, darling

- Zoe

1000

I had 1000 calories today and I'm completely disgusted with myself. I totally binged and had ice cream. I wish I could vomit it back up but I don't have a gag reflex. I feel so grossed out and guilty. I want to fast tomorrow but I know there's no way I can do that without my family noticing.
I'll have to exercise more today. I managed to burn off 314 calories on the treadmill but it's not enough. I'll have to get back on again and not stop until I've burned all 1000.
If I eat anything but a vegetable tomorrow I'm gonna cut again.

On a better note, I managed to drop another pound :)
32 more to go.

I've decided I'll start adding workouts and diets to my posts in between stat updates, just to help anybody out who finds their way on here.

Totally doing this tomorrow

Best of luck, darling

- Zoe