To what base uses we may return, Horatio!

Clearly I've been reading Hamlet.

Anyway, it's been quite a while. As I'm sitting here with a face mask on and a cold towel wrapped around my head, reading about the weight loss benefits of ice baths/showers and desperately clinging to my thinspo folder for support while I start a new fast, I have to wonder how I ended up this way. I swear I used to be normal. I used to run around not caring about what I ate or how I looked. I chided the world on being superficial and insisted that my fat was mine to care about or not (and I didn't care, at all). I think back on that now and could swear that wasn't me. That's a different person. My life has changed so drastically since then, my brain has become so warped.

Even now, there are moments where I'll think: "That's it, I'm done. I have an eating disorder. I can tell. I know enough about these to know they're bad news. Hell, I wrote a ten page research paper about the dangers of eating disorders before this all started! I need to get help and recover." Then I'll binge (which is really just eating normally) for a while.

And then the moment passes and the world comes crashing down around me again.

I'm dragged right back to square one and I feel worse than I did when I started.

I wonder what it's like not to care how you look, what you eat, how much you weigh. I can't remember that life anymore. It's such a distant memory. I feel sad for that little girl who didn't know what was coming to her.

It's funny, that research paper I mentioned? It was focused on how pro-ana/mia blogs are harmful to both people with EDs and people who don't yet have one. Ironic, huh? Seriously, though, if you're reading this and don't have an ED, please don't listen to anything I've said or will say. I am sick. 
If you do have an ED, please get help. I'm not your mom, I can't make you do anything and I'll only ever be here to support and love you. But if you want help, recovery is possible and it's the best thing you can do for yourself.

It seems wrong to add a picture this time around, so I won't.

Best of luck, darling

- Zoe