So. Here I am, back in the saddle. I don't know what pushed me to start posting here again, but I do know what pushed me back into the darkest recesses of my mind: pain. I have been in so much pain lately. For once it's not just the occasional anguish of looking at my body and wishing I had never "recovered." This pain is different...worse. I won't get into details but the sole reason I stopped starving was a person and I almost lost him. At that moment it felt like everything in my life was crashing down around me, like I had lost my grip on reality, on my surroundings, on everything. I lost control, and that was...unacceptable.
And so, once again, I am here. Fatter than I've ever been, more exhausted than I ever knew I could be, and completely fucked in the head for thinking I could do this again. I'm starting to wonder if there's something seriously wrong with me. At least there's the sick solace of knowing that, now that I don't live with my family, it'll be a bit easier to go without.
This is one of the few things in life I feel I can control. I need to get it together. I need to step up and get a fucking grip. I'm a grown ass adult now so I think I can pull this off in a way that's a tiny bit healthier (delusional as I may be). I'm on that 4 Weeks to Skinny diet I posted about a few years ago, how nostalgic. After I'm done with that and hopefully away from the current horrific number on the scale, I plan to do about 1000 calories per day, no vegetables or fruit counted, 10k steps per day(part of which will include a dedicated hour of walking), yoga at least once per day, and a consistent weight lifting regiment at the gym 3x a week. After reading through some of the old posts on here I know that the idea of 1000 calories per day would sound terrifying to the girl I was back then. That's the idea of "a tiny bit healthier," y'know?
There's a perverse sort of comfort in falling back into this. It feels like I have a plan, but more like I'm coming back home after a long trip. Logically I understand how sincerely mentally ill that statement is, but when he said "we're both kind of out of shape," it hurt more than starving ever did. I have to make it work this time. I have to.
I'll drop my stats again, for posterity and for the nostalgia of the old ED tumblr format.
CW: 182.4 lbs (JFC)
HW: 192 lbs (AHHHHHHH)
LW: 127.8 lbs (don't I wish)
GW1: 170 lbs
GW2: 150 lbs (ah, the old HW, how I miss you now..)
GW3: 130 lbs
UGW: 120 lbs
UUGW: 115 lbs or less
